The Mountie Groom
by CoolGrin
Summary: The Princess Bride meets Due South The Slash Version


The Mountie Groom 

Disclaimer: The usual stuff... I don't own the guys which is really too bad cuz they would have so much fun with me. So to the big bad corporations out there, I own nada, I'm still paying off my student loan.

I want to thank LINDA for helping me with my questions of ethics and the names of DS bad guys. She waded through my horrid spelling mistakes and weird thoughts with good grace. I also thank her for laughing at my really inane jokes. Any mistakes that are left over are Purely AOL's and not mine. ( I refuse to take blame. lol ) Chocolate Mounties and Cops to her. Lotsa Love.

I also want to give a heads up to Diana Williams for starting me on this path.

BTW the Rating is about PG13 for Foul Language

On with the Story.

In the opening scene, a young girl is sick in her bed, playing a video game

Her Dad enters

Dad: to his sick little girl Hi Honey.

Kid: mumbles quietly Hi Pops.

Dad: You feeling any better?

Kid: A little bit.

Dad: Guess what?

Kid: What?

Dad: Your Uncle is here.

Kid: pleading Pop, can't you tell him I'm sick...

Dad: You're sick really? That's why he's here.

Kid: distressed He's gonna pinch my cheeks... I hate that!

Dad: Maybe he won't...

Enter the kid's uncle, also NARRATOR of The Mountie Groom

Uncle: entering the room Heyyyyy... How's the sickie? Huh? pinching the

kid's cheek

Dad: I think I'll leave you two alone.

Uncle: I brought you something special.

Kid: excitedly What is it?

Uncle: Open it up.

Kid: opening the gift It's a book.

Uncle: Yep, when I was your age, television was called books. This is no ordinary book, it was the book my father used to read to me when I was sick and I used to read it to your father...and today, I'm gonna read it to you.

Kid: less interested Any action in it?

Uncle: You're kidding right? Boxing, torture, revenge, gangs,

monsters, car chases, escapes, true love, miracles.

Kid: It doesn't sound too bad. I'll try and stay awake.

Uncle: Oh, well, gee thanks. How gracious of you. Your vote

of confidence is overwhelming. Oh...all right. 'The Mountie Groom' by

S. Morganstern, Chapter 1.

From here on, the Uncle will be known as the Narrator

Narrator: Benton was raised...

Kid: Benton?

Narrator: Yes, Benton.

Kid: What kind of name is Benton?

Narrator: His first name, can I go on?

Kid: Sure.

Narrator: Benton was raised in a small province in the old country of Canada. His favorite past-times were riding his horse Diefenbaker, and tormenting the cop that worked in the province. His name was Raymond. But Benny never called him that. Isn't that a wonderful beginning?

Kid: with no enthusiasm Yeah...it's a'ight.

Narrator: Nothing gave Benny as much pleasure as ordering Ray around.

Benny: Cop, arrest that man. I want to see him in court by morning.

Ray: As you wish.

Benny: Fetch me Chinese. No wait...Italian.

Ray: As you wish.

Narrator: 'As you wish' was all he ever said to Benny.

Benny: Cop, take me to dinner?

Ray: As you wish.

Narrator: One day something odd happened. While in town with Ray, the people that used to pay him all the attention were following Ray. Staring at Ray. At first it didn't bother Benny until he was getting ready to go to bed.

Benny: (Taking a bath) The people were staring at Ray. It must be the new clothes he wore.

Benny: (brushing his hair) The people were staring at Ray. It had to be the haircut.

Benny: (Brushing his teeth) The people were staring at Ray. It was his eyes; they're green and no one here has green eyes.

Narrator: After Benny cleaned the toothpaste off the mirror he got into bed. And lay there.

Benny: (sitting straight up in his bed) They were bloody staring at him. And Ray was looking back. Oh dear.

Narrator: Benny tossed and turned. He got up and paced and wept. Jealousy clouded his very being. It was a very long night. The next morning Benny walked over to Ray's room. He knocked. Ray answered the door and Benny looked away. Ray was too perfect.

Benny: I love you. I know you will find it difficult to believe because of the way that I treat you. But I do. Love you. I have loved you for several hours now, and every second that passes I love you even more. How many minutes has it been? My love has grown exponentially since then. Ray. I have never called you that have I? I love you.

Narrator: And with that Benny looked into Ray's face, into those eyes, only to have the door closed in his face. Without a word Benny fled, stumbled, fell, wept and ran into his room. Tears streamed down his face. Ray didn't love him, he thought. And with that he wept long and hard. A day later a knock was heard on his door. Benny opened it. It was Ray.

Ray: I'm leaving. I've come to say good-bye.

Benny: Because I love you?

Ray: Yes, I'm going to Las Vegas to seek my fortune.

Benny: Well I don't love you. It was a joke, ha ha. And if you think those boys will follow you to Las Vegas well you're wrong, so there.

Ray: I'm going to Las Vegas for you. Because I love you.

Benny: You love me?

Ray: All the times I've said 'As you wish,' what I meant was 'I love you.'

Kid: interrupting the story Hold it! Hold it! What is this? Are you trying

to trick me? Where's the sports? Is this a kissing book?

Uncle: Wait, just wait.

Kid: Well when does it get good?

Uncle: Keep your shirt on and let me read.

Narrator: Ray had no money for marriage so he packed his few belongings

and left the province to seek his fortune in Las Vegas. It was a very

emotional time for Benny.

Kid: I don't believe this!

Benny: crying I'm afraid I'll never see you again...

Ray: Of course you will.

Benny: But what if something happens to you?

Ray: Listen to me, I will always come for you.

Benny: But how can you be sure?

Ray: This is it... 'true love'. You think this happens every day? They Kiss

Narrator: Ray didn't reach his destination. His plane was attacked by the

Dread Godfather Bolt, who never left his captives alive. When Benny got

the news that Ray had been killed...

Kid: interrupting Murdered by the mafia is good!

Narrator: continuing He went into his room and shut the door, and for days

he neither slept nor ate. When he finally left his room...

Interjecting here again. I wish to announce that Benny is a babe. A total hottie. Before his true love died he rated in the top five of all such lists. Now I want you to know that heartache has been known to do weird stuff and, well, when Benny finally left his room, he was easily the most beautiful man in Canada and some parts of the Yukon.

Benny: I will never love again.

Narrator: And he never did.

Scene 2

Narrator: Five years later the main square of Ottawa was filled as never

before to hear the announcement of the Great Princess Victoria's Mountie Groom-to-be.

Victoria: Trumpets blaring My people! A month from now, our country will

have its 500th Anniversary. On that sundown I shall marry a man whom

was once a commoner like yourselves. But perhaps you will not find him

common now. Would you like to meet him?

Crowd: echoing Yes!

Victoria: My people, the Mountie Prince Benny!

Yeah you know who I am. Just giving you the rundown. Benny was made into a Royal Canadian Mounted Policeman in order to marry the Princess Victoria. I mean really, what princess in her right mind would marry a commoner, even one as beautiful as our Benny?

Narrator: Benny's emptiness consumed him. Although the law of the land

gave Victoria the right to choose her groom, he did not love her.

Despite Victoria's reassurance that he would grow to love her, the

only joy he found was in his daily ride.

The scene fades to Benny riding his horse the next morning

Enter Ian MacDonald, Ex G-man Macon Lacroix, and Charlie, a boxer

Ian: halting Benny A word my man? ...We are but poor lost street

performers. Is there a town nearby?

Benny: There is nothing nearby. Not for miles.

Ian: Then there will be no one to hear you scream...

The Boxer quickly grabs Benny by the neck, rendering him unconscious.

They take the Benny to their car.

Macon: What is that you're ripping?

Ian: It's the fabric stolen from the uniform of a Peace officer from Chicago!

Charlie: What is Chicago?

Ian: The country across the lake! The sworn enemy of Canada!

ian attaches the cloth to Benny's horse and lets the horse go.

Ian: Go! Once the horse reaches the penthouse, the fabric will make the

princess suspect that the Chicagoians have abducted her love. When she

finds his body dead on the Chicago frontier her suspicions will be

totally confirmed.

Charlie: You never said anything about killing the Mountie!

Ian: angrily I hired you to help me start a war. It's a prestigious line

of work with a long and glorious tradition!

Charlie: I just don't think it's right...killing an innocent.

Ian: Am I going mad, or did the word 'think'? escape your lips! You were

not hired for your brains you hippo-britanic land mass!

Macon: interrupting I agree with Charlie.

Ian: Oh, the sot has spoken! What happens to him is

not truly your concern. I will kill him! And remember this, never forget this; yelling When I found you, you were so slobbering drunk, you couldn't buy cider! Turning to Charlie And you! Friendless, brainless, helpless,

and childless! Do you want me to send you to where you were? Singing karaoke in New Brunswick!

Scene 3

It is night-time, the kidnappers and the Mountie are on the road.

Ian: We'll reach Chicago by dawn. Why are you doing that?

directed at Macon who is staring behind

Macon: Making sure nobody is following us.

Ian: That would be inconceivable.

Benny: jumps in Despite what you think, you will be caught; and when you

are, the princess will see you all hanged.

Ian: Of all the necks in this car, Mountie, the one you should be

worrying about is your own...pausing, then glancing at Macon Stop

doing that! We can all relax! It's almost over.

Macon: Are you sure nobody is following us?

Ian: As I told you it would be absolutely, totally, and in all other ways

inconceivable! No one in Chicago knows what we've done, and no one in

Canada could have gotten here so fast. pauses Out of curiosity, why

do you ask?

Macon: Suddenly, I just happened to look behind us and something is there.

Ian: in disbelief What! now, spying a car in the distance

...Probably some local out for a pleasure ride at night

through gang infested suburbs.

Benny jumps out of the car and runs down a dark alley.

Ian: What the hell! Go after him! Go after him!

Macon: frankly I'm afraid of the dark.

Charlie: turning to Ian I can only jog...

Ian: Aauuuggghhhhh!"!

suddenly, horrible screeching is heard, commonly known, to people over a certain age, as music

Ian: screaming into the night Do you know what that sound is, Mountie? Those are the Shrieking Eels, a local gang! The music can mean death to anyone past the age of eighteen. If you don't believe me, just wait. As the music grows louder your ears will start to bleed, then your head will start to pound in pain, then when think that the pain can't get any worse it does. If you turn back now I promise no harm will come to you...I doubt you'll get such an offer from the Eels.

Uncle: Narrator He doesn't get caught by the Eels at this time.

Kid: What?

Uncle: The Eels don't get him...I'm explaining to you because you looked

nervous.

Kid: I...I wasn't nervous. Well maybe I was a little bit... concerned but that's not the same thing.

Uncle: ...Because we can stop now if you want.

Kid: No, you could read a little bit more if you want.

Narrator: reading Ian's part Do you know what that sound is, Mountie? Those are the Shrieking Eels, a local gang!

Kid: Pass that, Unc. You read it already.

Uncle: Oh...oh my goodness, I did. I'm sorry. Beg your pardon. now

mumbling to himself alright, alright, lets see...uh...he was in the

alley, the Eels were going after him, he was scared, the Eels started

to turn up their music and then...

Charlie reaches out of the car, pulls Benny inside

The car races away.

Macon: looking back at the other car again I think he's getting closer!

Ian: He's no concern of ours! Keep driving! now, turning to Benny I

suppose you think you're brave, don't you?

Benny: Only compared to some.

Scene 4

Dawn, the next morning

Macon: Look! He is right on top of us! I wonder if he's using the same gasoline as us.

Ian: Whoever he is, he's too late! See! The Cliff Insanity Building in lower downtown Chicago! Hurry up! Move...the thing...and that other thing! Move

it! climbing out Were safe, only Charlie is strong enough to go up

our way. He'll have to drive around for hours 'till he finds a parking space.

Charlie, all three holding on to him, proceeds to climb a rope up the side of

the building.

Did I fail to mention that this is a fairy tale and sometimes things just don't make sense. Like why didn't they use the elevator, at best the stairs? I can only venture to guess they are not too bright.

Macon: looking down in total amazement at the masked follower He's climbing the rope... he's dressed in Armani...And he's gaining on us.

Ian: Inconceivable! ...Faster!

Charlie: I thought I was going faster.

Ian: You were supposed to be this colossus, you were this great legendary

thing and yet he gains!

Charlie: Well, I'm carrying three people, and he got only himself. And why didn't we take the elevator?

Ian: I do not accept excuses! I'm just going to have to find myself a new

boxer, that's all.

Charlie: Don't say that, Ian, please?

Ian: Did I make it clear that your job is on the line?

Finally, Charlie reaches the top. Ian quickly cuts through the rope with a

dagger. All three peer over the edge of the building.

Charlie: He's got very good arms.

Ian: He didn't fall! Inconceivable!

Macon: looking confused You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means...looking back down my god...he's climbing.

Ian: Whoever he is, he's obviously seen us with the Mountie and must

therefore die. You to Charlie take care of him. We'll to Macon head straight for the Chicago suburbs. Catch up when he's dead. If he

falls, fine; if not, shoot him.

Macon: I'm going to shoot him left-handed.

Ian: You know what a hurry we're in!

Macon: Well, it is the only way I can be satisfied. If I use my right, it's over too quickly.

Ian: Oh have it your way.

Charlie: to Macon You be careful. People in masks cannot be trusted.

Ian: impatiently I'm waiting...!

Macon unholsters his gun, and takes a few practice shots. He then calls to the

Masked Man in Armani

Macon: Hello there. Slow going?

Man in Armani: No not really. I like climbing up a the side of a building with nothing but my bare hands so I'm taking my sweet time to enjoy the experience.

Macon: apologetic Sorry.

Man in Armani: No problem.

Macon: pauses I do not suppose you could speed things up?

Man in Armani: If you're in such snit for me to get up there you could lower a rope or find something useful to do.

Macon: I could do that. I still got some rope up here. But I do not think you would accept my help, since I am only waiting around to kill you.

Man in Armani: Well, that ends that relationship.

Macon: ...but, I promise I will not kill you until you reach the top.

Man in Armani: Well that fills me with warm fuzzies, but I'm afraid you'll just have to wait.

Macon: I hate waiting. I could give you my word as an ex G- man?

Man in Armani: struggling up the cliff side No good. I've known too many

ex G-men.

Macon: Is there another way you'll trust me?

Man in Armani: Nope, nada. Nothing comes to mind.

Macon: I swear on the soul of my Father, Jacques Lacroix, you will reach the

top alive.

Man in Armani: Throw me the rope.

Macon throws the rope to the Man in Armani, and helps him to the top

Man in Armani: exhausted Thanks. He struggles to draw his gun

Macon: I'll wait 'till you're ready.

Man in Armani: Again, thank you. He sits and removes a stone from his shoe

Macon: I do not mean to pry, but you don't by any chance happen to have six

fingers on your right hand?

Man in Armani: What kinda lame ass question is that? still revealing his five fingers Do you always begin conversations this way?

Macon: My father was slaughtered by a six-fingered man. He was a great

gun maker, my father. When the six-fingered man appeared and

requested a special gun, my father took the job. He slaved a year

before he was done.

Macon unholsters his gun, and shows it to the Man in Armani

Man in Armani: Nice.

Macon: Six-fingered man returned and demanded it...but at one-tenth his

promised price. My father refused. Without a word, the six-fingered

man shot him through the heart. I loved my father, so naturally I

challenged this man to a duel. I failed...Six-fingered man left me

alive, but he gave me this a scar on his cheek and this another

scar.

Man in Armani: How old were you?

Macon: I was eleven years old. When I was strong enough, I dedicated my life to the study of marksmanship; so the next time we meet I will not fail. I

will go up to the six fingered man and say 'Hello, my name is Macon

Lacroix. You killed my father. Prepare to die.'

Man in Armani: intrigued You've done nothing but gun-play, geez you got some dedication there.

Macon: More pursue more than study lately. You see, I cannot find him...it's been twenty years now and I'm starting to lose confidence. I just work for Ian to pay the bills. There's not a lot of money in revenge.

After a moment's silence, the Man in Armani stands up and prepares to battle

Man in Armani: Well after all that studying...I certainly hope you find the bastard.

Macon: You all ready then?

Man in Armani: Nah, you've been more than fair and all.

Macon: drawing his gun You seem a decent fellow...I hate to kill you.

Man in Armani: You seem alright...I hate to die.

Macon: confidently Begin.

Slowly, a great Shoot-out occurs. Each man has found cover and begins to shoot. Macon tests the Man in Armani, and the Man in Armani tests Macon. They continue to fire at each other but this being guns the battle does not last long.

Macon: You are wonderful!

Man in Armani: Thank you. I've worked hard to become so.

Macon: I admit it, you are better than I am.

Man in Armani: Then why are you smiling?

Macon: Because I know something you don't know.

Man in Armani: And what is that?

Macon: switching hands I am not left-handed!

Macon switches to his right hand, and appears to overwhelm the Man in Armani

Man in Armani: You're amazing!

Macon: I ought to be after twenty years.

Man in Armani: struggling to keep Macon away There's something I ought to tell you.

Macon: Tell me!

Man in Armani: I'm not left-handed either.

The Man in Armani switches to his right hand, and performs a few amazing feats

They stop shooting for a brief moment

Macon: in awe Who are you?

Man in Armani: No one of importance.

Macon: I must know.

Man in Armani: Tough.

Macon: disappointed Okay...

The battle rages on again, this time, the Man in Armani is dominating

The Man in Armani shoots the gun out of Macon's hand and circles in behind

him

Macon: kneeling Kill me quickly.

Man in Armani: I would as soon destroy a stained glass window as an artist like

yourself. However, since I can't have you following me either...

The Man in Armani hits Macon on the back of his head with the hilt of his gun,

knocking him out.

Man in Armani: sincerely Please understand I hold you in the highest respect.

The Man in Armani runs off to find Ian. Ian spies the Man in Armani from

atop another building.

Ian: Inconceivable! Give him to me! taking Benny preparing to run Catch up with us quickly!

Charlie: What do I do?

Ian: Finish him! Finish him...your way...

Charlie: Oh good. My way. Thank you Ian. Which way's my way?

Ian: irritated Pick up one of those bricks, get behind a building, and in

a few minutes the Man in Armani will come running around the bend. The

minute his HEAD is in view hit it with the brick!

Charlie: to himself My way is not very sportsman-like.

The Man in Armani proceeds up the alley, and is met by a brick crashing against a wall right next to him.

Charlie: I did that on purpose. I didn't have to miss.

Man in Armani: I believe you. pauses So what happens now?

Charlie: We face each other as god intended; sportsman-like...no tricks, no

weapons, skill against skill alone.

Man in Armani: You mean, you'll put down your brick and I'll put down my gun

and we'll try and kill each other like civilized people?

Charlie: holding up a large brick I could kill you now?

Man in Armani: Frankly, I think the odds are slightly in your favor at hand

fighting.

Charlie: It's not my fault being the biggest and the strongest. I don't even

exercise.

The Man in Armani charges Charlie, but cannot knock him down

Man in Armani: agitated Look, are you just fiddling around with me or what?

Charlie: I just want you to feel you are doing well. I hate for people to die

embarrassed. Charlie grasps at him, but misses You're quick!

Man in Armani: Good thing too.

Charlie: swinging at the Man in Armani Why are you wearing a mask? Were you

burned by acid or something like that?

Man in Armani: Oh no, it's just they're terribly stylish. I think everyone

will be wearing them in the future.

The Man in Armani manages to jump onto Charlie's back, and tries to choke him.

Charlie pushes his back against a wall, almost knocking the wind out of the

Man in Armani

Charlie: I just feared you would give me so much trouble.

Man in Armani: Why is that, do you think?

Charlie: Well, I haven't fought just one person for so long...struggles more

with the Man in Armani ...I've been specializing in groups, fighting

gangs for local charities...that kind of thing.

Man in Armani: Why should that make such a crash! pause difference?

Charlie: slowing down You see, you use different moves when you're fighting half a dozen people, than when you only have to worry about one.

Charlie falls to the ground, unconscious. The Man in Armani checks to see if he is still alive.

Man in Armani: I don't envy you the headache you will have when you awake. But in the meantime, rest well and dream of Pamela Anderson.

Scene 5

Enter Princess Victoria, Count Zuko, and their guards, examining the

battleground of Macon and the Man in Armani

Victoria: examining the ground There was a mighty duel. It ranged all

over. They were both masters.

Count Zuko: Who won? How did it end?

Victoria: The loser ran off alone, and the winner followed those footprints

toward that building top...

Count Zuko: Shall we track them both?

Victoria: The loser is nothing. Only the Mountie matters. Clearly this

was all planned by cops of Chicago! We must all be ready for

whatever lies ahead.

Count Zuko: Could this be a trap?

Victoria: I always think everything could be a trap. That is why I am still

alive.

Victoria and her men scurry off, while the Man in Armani finds and confronts

Ian who is preparing to eat while Benny sits beside him.

Ian: So, it is down to you, and it is down to me...if you wish him dead, by

all means keep moving forward.

Man in Armani: Let me explain...

Ian: There's nothing to explain. You're trying to kidnap what I have

rightfully stolen.

Man in Armani: Perhaps we can work something out?

Ian: There will be no arrangements...and you're killing him.

Man in Armani: Well if you're not willing to work something out, we're stuck.

Ian: I'm afraid so. I can't compete with you physically, and you're no

match for my brains.

Man in Armani: Oh you're that smart?

Ian: Let me put it this way: Have you ever heard of Plato, Aristotle,

Socrates?

Man in Armani: Yes.

Ian: Idiots!

Man in Armani: Really smarty? In that case, I challenge you to a battle of wits.

Ian: For the Mountie? To the death? I accept!

Man in Armani: Good, then pour the wine. Ian pours the wine Inhale this

but do not touch.

Ian: taking a vial from the Man in Armani I smell nothing.

Man in Armani: What you do not smell is Iocaine powder. It is odorless,

tasteless, and dissolves instantly in liquid and is among the more

deadly poisons known to man.

Ian: shrugs with laughter Hmmm.

Man in Armani: turning his back, and adding the poison to one of the goblets

Alright, where is the poison? The battle has begun, it'll end

when you decide and we both drink - and find out who is right, and who

is dead.

Ian: But it's so simple. All I have to do is divine it from what I know of

you. Are you the sort of man who would put the poison into his own

goblet or his enemy's? Now, a clever man would put the poison into his

own goblet because he would know that only a great fool would reach for

what he was given. I am not a great fool so I can clearly not choose

the wine in front of you...But you must have known I was not a great

fool; you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine

in front of me.

Man in Armani: You've made your decision then?

Ian: happily Not remotely! Because Iocaine comes from Australia. As

everyone knows, Australia is entirely peopled with criminals. And

criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not

trusted by me. So, I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you.

Man in Armani: Oh your soooo smart.

Ian: Wait 'till I get going! ...where was I?

Man in Armani: Australia.

Ian: Yes! Australia! And you must have suspected I would have known the

powder's origin, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.

Man in Armani: You're stalling.

Ian: You'd like to think that, wouldn't you! You've beaten Charlie, which

means you're exceptionally strong...so you could have put the poison in

your own goblet trusting on your strength to save you, so I can clearly

not choose the wine in front of you. But, you've also bested my

Macon, which means you must have studied...and in studying you must

have learned that man is mortal so you would have put the poison as far

from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front

of me!

Man in Armani: You're trying to trick me. It won't

work.

Ian: It has worked! You've given everything away! I know where the poison

is!

Man in Armani: Then choose already.

Ian: I will, and I choose...pointing behind the Man in Armani What in the

world can that be?

Man in Armani: turning around, while Ian switches goblets What! Where! I

don't see anything.

Ian: Oh, well, I...I could have sworn I saw something. No matter. Ian

laughs

Man in Armani: What's so funny?

Ian: I...I'll tell you in a minute. First, let's drink, me from my glass

and you from yours.

They both drink

Man in Armani: You guessed wrong.

Ian: You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I switched

glasses when your back was turned! Ha ha, you fool! You fell victim to

one of the classic blunders. The most famous is never get involved in a

land war in Asia; and only slightly less well known is this: Never go

in against a Sicilian, when death is on the line!

Ian continues to laugh hysterically. Suddenly, the Man in Armani pulls out his gun and shoots him. Trust me it was for the best. Ian was just too annoying.

Benny: Who are you?

Man in Armani: I'm no one to be messed with. That's all you'll need

know.

Benny: And to think, all that time none of the cups were poisoned .

Man in Armani: They were both poisoned. I spent the last few years building up

immunity to Iocaine powder.

The scene switches back to Victoria and her men

Victoria: Some one has beaten a boxer. There will be great suffering in

Chicago if the Mountie dies.

The scene jumps back to the Man in Armani, running with the Mountie

Man in Armani: stops Catch your breath.

Benny: If you'll release me, whatever you ask for ransom you'll get it, I

promise you.

Man in Armani: laughing And what's that worth... the promise of a

Mountie...You're very funny.

Benny: catching his breath I was giving you a chance. It does not matter

where you take me. There is no greater hunter than Princess Victoria.

She can track a felon on a cloudy day. She can find you.

Man in Armani: You think your love will save you?

Benny: insulted I never said she was my love. And yes, she will

save me - that I know.

Man in Armani: surprised You admit that you do not love your fiancee?.

Benny: She knows I do not love her.

Man in Armani: snapping ...Not capable of love.

Benny: taken back I have loved more deeply than a killer like yourself

could ever dream!

Man in Armani: raising his hand at Benny That was a warning, Mountie! The

next time my hand flies on its own; where I come from there are

penalties when someone lies.

The scene cuts back to Victoria, examining the last battle scene

Victoria: Iocaine! I'd bet my life on it. And there

are the Mountie's footprints. He is alive, or was an hour ago...if he is otherwise, I

shall be very put out!

Back to the Man in Armani, still running

Man in Armani: Rest, Mountie.

Benny: I know who you are. Your cruelty reveals everything. You're the

Dread Godfather Bolt, admit it!

Man in Armani: With pride. What can I do for you for ?

Benny: You can die ...slowly, cut into a million pieces.

Man in Armani: shaking his head Well that's not nice...Why such nastiness against me.?

Benny: upset You killed my beloved.

Man in Armani: Could be, I've killed lotsa of people. Who was this love of

yours? Another princess like this one...mean, rich, and skanky?

Benny: No, a cop...poor! Poor and perfect, with eyes like the sea

after a storm. Your people attacked his bus, and the The Godfather Bolt never takes prisoners!

Man in Armani: Can't afford to make any exceptions. I mean once word leaks out

that the head of the Mafia has gone soft people begin to disobey him and it's nothing

but work, work, work all the time.

Benny: You mock my pain!

Man in Armani: Life is pain, Mountie! Anyone who says different is selling

something. pausing for a bit I remember this cop of yours I

think. This would be what? Five years ago? Does it bother you to hear?

Benny: Nothing you can say will upset me.

Man in Armani: He died well, that should please you. No bribe attempts or

blubbering. He simply said please, please, I need to live. It was the

'please' that caught my memory. I asked what was so important for him;

'True love' he replied. And then he spoke of a boy of surpassing

beauty and faithfulness...I can only assume he meant you. You should

bless me for destroying him before he found out what you really are.

Benny: And what am I?

Man in Armani: Faithfulness he talked of, of your enduring faithfulness! Now

tell me truly, when you found out he was gone did you get engaged to

your princess that same hour or did you wait a whole week out of respect

for the dead!

Benny: You mocked me once! Never do it again! I died that day!

The Man in Armani and Benny hear Victoria's cars in the distance

Benny: pushing him down the staircase You can die too, for all I care!

Man in Armani: tumbling down and echoing As...you...wish...

Benny: shocked Oh, my sweet Ray, what have I done?

Benny hurls himself down the stairs, in chase of Ray.

Victoria moves closer

Victoria: They disappeared. They must have seen us closing in, which might

account for his panicking into error. Unless I'm wrong, and I'm never

wrong, they are headed straight into the West Racine.

Ray and Benny finally cease falling. Ray moves over to help

Benny

Intercept here. Hi. Yes they didn't die or suffer terrible injuries. Have I mentioned this is fairy tale and well, you know...

Ray: Can you move at all?

Benny: joyous Move? You're alive! If you want I could fly.

Ray: holding Benny I toldya I would always come for you. Why

didn't you wait?

Benny: sincerely You were dead.

Ray: But babe, death cannot stop true love...All it can do is delay it.

Benny: I'll never doubt again.

Ray: There'll never be a need.

Benny and Ray kiss

Kid: interrupting the story Ack! No! No. Please stop!

Uncle: What? What's the problem?

Kid: disgusted They're kissing. Again. Do we have to hear the kissing part?

Uncle: Someday you might not mind so much.

Kid: Yeah Yeah. Get on to the Racine, that sounded good!

Uncle: Oh...you're sick, I'll humor you. Oh, okay...finds the right

page

Narrator: Ray and Benny raced through a door in the Racine.

Ray: Aha! Your pig fiancee is too late! A few more steps and we'll be safe

in this abandoned warehouse.

Benny: worried We'll never survive.

Ray: confident Nonsense! You're only saying that because no one ever

has.

They proceed into the dreary, damp building. Cautiously, they move on. The sounds and smells of many creatures permeate the air.

Ray: It's not that bad...receives a glance from Benny Well I'm not

saying I'd like to live here but the space is actually

quite styling! It's also very spacious.

They continue through an eerie maze of stairs. Suddenly, a popping sound is

heard. A flame shoots up from the floor, catching Benny's uniform on fire.

He yelps.

Ray: calmly, stops the flame Well, that was an adventure.

Singed a bit, were you?

Benny: nervously shaking his head no You?

Ray simply shakes his head no, not losing an ounce of confidence. They

continue. Suddenly another popping sound is heard. Ray calmly pulls

Benny out of harms way as a flame rises from the floor.

Ray: Well, one thing I will say; Racine certainly does keep you on

your toes. This will all soon be but a happy memory. Ray cuts

through a mass of wires. Bolt's helicopter 'Revenge' is parked at the far

end. And as you know I am Bolt.

Benny: But how's that possible, since he's been marauding 20 years and you

only left me 5 years ago?

Ray: I myself am often surprised at life's little quirks. See, what I told

you before about saying 'please' was true...it intrigued Bolt, as did

my descriptions of your beauty. Finally, Bolt decided something. He

said, 'Alright Ray, never had a butler, you can try if you'd like.

I'm most likely to kill you in the morning.' For three years said that.

'Good night Ray, good work, sleep well, I'm most likely to kill you

in the morning.' It was a fine time for me - I was learning to fence goods,

fight, anything anyone would teach me. Bolt and I eventually became

friends. And then it happened.

Benny: What? Go on.

Ray: Well Bolt had grown so rich, he wanted to retire. He took me to

his cabin and told me his secret. 'I am not the Dread Godfather Bolt,'

he said 'my name is Kelly. I inherited this helicopter from the previous Dread

Godfather Bolt, just as you will inherit it from me.'

Ray: continuing The man I inherited it from was not the real Dread Godfather Bolt either - his name was Pinsent. The real Bolt had been

retired 15 years and was living like a king in Italy.

Then he explained the name was the important thing for inspiring the necessary

fear. You see, no one would surrender to the Dread Godfather Ray. So

we flew to New York , took on an entirely new crew and he stayed aboard for

awhile as co-pilot , all the time calling me Bolt. Once the crew

believed, he left the helicopter and I have been Bolt ever since. Except

now that were together, I shall retire and hand the name over to someone

else. Is everything clear to you?

Suddenly, Benny steps into a hole and vanishes. Ray, thinking

quickly, cuts a wire and ties it around himself then plunges down in search of

Benny. Moments later, they land, gasping for breath and coughing.

Benny: We'll never succeed. We may as well die here.

Ray: No, no. still gasping We have already succeeded. I mean, what are

the three terrors of the crack house? One, the flame spurt - no problem

- there's a popping sound preceding each. We can avoid that. Two, the

holes which you were clever enough to discover what that looks

like, so in the future we can avoid that too.

Benny: Ray, what about the R.O.U.S.'s?

Ray: Rats Of Unusual Size? I don't think they exist.

Just as Ray finishes, a huge rodent jumps on top of him. The rodent bites

Ray on the shoulder. After some struggle, it breaks free and heads toward

Benny.

Benny: yells Ray!

Ray jumps on the beast and Benny fends it away with a large two-by-four.

After much struggle, a popping sound is heard. A flame rises up and covers the

rodent. Not quite dead, the rodent hobbles away, but Ray gives chase and

shoots it a few times, killing it.

Scene 6

Ray and Benny finally exit the warehouse dirty, tired and worn.

Benny: triumphantly We did it!

Ray: Now, was that so bad?

Out of nowhere, the roar of cars. Princess Victoria has found them.

Victoria: Surrender!

Ray: You wanna surrender to me? Fine then, I accept.

Victoria: I give you full marks for bravery. Don't make yourself a fool.

Ray: Ah, but how will you capture us? We know the secrets of the Racine.

We can live there happily for some time, so whenever you feel

like dying, come visit.

Victoria's men surround Ray and Benny with machine guns.

Victoria: I tell you once again, surrender!

Ray: It will not happen! Ray draws his gun

Victoria: shouting For the last time, surrender!

Ray: Death first!

Benny: interrupting Will you promise not to hurt him?

Victoria: What was that?

Ray: Huh?

Benny: If we surrender, and I return with you, will you promise not to hurt

this man?

Victoria: May I live a thousand years and never hunt again!

Benny: He is a pilot and has a helicopter over there. Promise to return him to

his 'copter.

Victoria: I swear it will be done. Victoria whispers to Count Zuko

Once we're out of sight, take him back to Canada and throw him in the

Pit of Despair.

Count Zuko: No prob..

Benny: to Ray I thought you were dead once, and it almost destroyed

me. I could not bear it if you died again, not when I could save you.

Benny gets into one of the cars and is taken away. Victoria

leaves with him.

Count Zuko: to Ray Come sir, we must get you to your 'copter.

Ray: Zuko I know you. Don't lie to me.

Count Zuko: Well spoken sir. He motions for the guards to escort him away.

Ray notices the Count has six fingers. What is it?

Ray: You have six fingers on your right hand. Someone was looking for

you...

Count Zuko quickly knocks Ray out with the butt of his gun.

Scene 7

The Pit of Despair

Enter Carver. Carver examines Ray, who is tied down, and cleanses

his wounds.

Ray: Where am I?

Carver: in a raspy voice The Pit of Despair...don't even think...cough,

gag Then Carver loses his raspy voice. Don't even think about trying

to escape. The chains are far too thick. And don't dream of being

rescued either, the only way in is secret. Only the Princess, the Count

and I know how to get in and out.

Ray: Then I'm here 'till I die?

Carver: 'Till they kill you, yeah.

Ray: Then why bother curing me?

Carver: Well, the Princess and the Count always insist on everyone being healthy

before they're broken.

Ray: So it's torture. Carver gestures happily I can cope with

torture. Carver vigorously shakes his head no. You don't believe

me?

Carver: You survived Racine, you must be very brave. But nobody

lives through the machine.

Scene 8

The penthouse

Benny roams the penthouse, saddened. Princess Victoria and Count Zuko are

planning, and notice Benny.

Victoria: He's been like that ever since Racine. It's my father's

failing health that's upsetting him.

Count Zuko: Of course.

Narrator: The King died that very night, and before the following dawn,

Benny and Victoria were married. And at noon she he met her

subjects again, this time as their Queen .

Victoria: to anticipating crowd My father's final words were...

interruption

Kid: Hold it! Hold it! Unc, you read that wrong. He doesn't marry

Victoria, he marries Ray. I'm just sure of it...after all that

Ray did for him, if he didn't marry him, it wouldn't be fair.

Uncle: Who says life is fair? Now where is that written? Life isn't

always fair.

Kid: angry I'm telling you, you're messing up the story! Now get it right!

Uncle: Do you want me to go on with this?

Kid: apologetic Yes.

Uncle: Alright then, no more interruptions. At noon she met her subjects

again, this time as their Queen.

Back to the story

Victoria: My father's final words were, 'Love him, as I loved him and there

will be joy. ' I present to you, your King. King Prince Benny.

Benny comes out before the crowd. He is met by a hideous woman

Woman: in a horrid voice Booooooo! Booooooo! Boooooooo!

Benny: upset Why do you do this?

Woman: Because you had love in your hands and you gave it up!

Benny: But they would have killed Ray if I hadn't done it.

Woman: Your true love lives, and you marry another! addressing the crowd True love saved him in Racine, and he treated it like garbage. And that's what he is,

the King of Refuse. So bow down to him if you want. Bow to him. Bow

to the King of Slime, the King of Filth, the King of putrescence!

Boo! Boo! Rubbish! Filth! Slime! Muck! Boo! Boo! Boo!

Benny wakes up

Narrator: It was ten days 'till the wedding. The king still lived, but

Benny's nightmares were becoming steadily worse.

Kid: See? Didn't I tell you he'd never marry that bitch Victoria.

Uncle: Yes, you're very smart. Don't say bitch. Now shut up.

Benny confronts Victoria in her quarters

Benny: It comes to this: I love Ray, I always have - I know now I

always will. If you tell me I must marry thee in ten days, please

believe I will be dead by morning.

Victoria: I could never cause you grief. Consider our wedding off. turns

to the Count You um...returned this Ray to his helicopter?

Count Zuko: in a sly voice Yes.

Victoria: Then we will simply alert him. Beloved, to Benny are you

certain he still wants you? After all it was you who did the leaving at Racine.

Not to mention that, uh, made men are not known as men

of their words.

Benny: My Ray will always come for me.

Victoria: I suggest a deal. You write four copies of a letter. I'll send my

four fastest planes, one in each direction. The Dread Godfather Bolt is

always close to Canada this time of year. We'll signal a white flag

and deliver your message. If Ray wants you, bless you both; if not,

please consider me as an alternative to suicide. Are we agreed?

Scene 9

The Tree Grove

Count Zuko and Victoria are just outside the secret entrance to the Pit of

Despair.

Count Zuko: Your prince is quite a gorgeous creature. A bit simple,

perhaps. His appeal is undeniable.

Victoria: I know, the people are quite taken with him It's odd, but when I

hired Ian to have him murdered on our engagement day, I thought that

was clever. But it's going to be so much more moving when I have him strangled

on our wedding night. Once Chicago is blamed, the nation will truly

be outraged - they'll demand we go to war.

Count Zuko: snickers, then examines a huge tree Now where is that secret

knot? It's impossible to find..he finds it and the tree opens to reveal

a hidden passage Ah. Are you coming down into the pit? Ray's got

his strength back. I'm starting him on the machine tonight.

Victoria: sincerely Frank, you know how much I love watching you work,

but I've got my country's 500th anniversary to plan, my wedding to

arrange, my husband to murder and Chicago to frame for it; I'm swamped.

Count Zuko: Get some rest. If you haven't got your health, then you haven't

got anything. smiles evilly

Count Zuko enters the pit, and Victoria leaves the tree grove.

Count Zuko: admiring his torture contraption to which Ray is firmly strapped Beautiful isn't it? It took me half a lifetime to invent it. I'm sure you've discovered my deep and

dividing interest in pain. Presently I'm writing the definitive work on

the subject, so I want you to be totally honest with me on how the

machine makes you feel. This being our first try, I'll use the lowest

setting.

Count Zuko activates the water powered torture machine. Ray writhes in

great pain.

Count Zuko: calmly As you know, the concept of the suction pump is centuries

old. Really that's all this is except that instead of sucking water, I'm

sucking life. I've just sucked one year of your life away. I might one

day go as high as five, but I really don't know what that would do to

you. So, lets just start with what we have. What did this do to you?

Tell me. And remember, this is for posterity so be honest. How do you

feel?

Ray cries and moans in pain

Count Zuko: Excellent.

Scene 10

Victoria again is in her quarters

Geiger, Victoria's man-at-arms, enters the room

Victoria: Geiger.

Geiger: Your Highness

Victoria: As chief enforcer of all Canada, I trust you with this secret:

Killers from Chicago are infiltrating the Thieves' Building and plan to

murder King Prince Benny on our wedding night.

Geiger: surprised My spy network has heard no such news.

Benny quietly enters

Benny: Any word from Ray?

Victoria: startled Too soon, my angel. Patience.

Benny: He will come for me. Benny leaves

Victoria: Of course. turns to Geiger He will not be murdered! On the

day of the wedding, I want the Thieves' building emptied and every

inhabitant arrested!

Geiger: distraught Many of the thieves will resist. My regular enforcers

will be inadequate.

Victoria: angered Form a brute squad then! I want the Thieves' Building

emptied before I wed.

Geiger: It won't be easy, Highness .

Victoria: sarcastically Try being 'me' sometime.

Scene 11

Narrator: The day of the wedding arrived. The brute squad had their hands full

carrying out Victoria's orders.

The Thieves' Building. Geiger and his men are clearing out the building.

Geiger: Is everybody out?

Brute: Almost. There's an ex G-man giving us some trouble.

Geiger: Well, you give him some...trouble. Move!

Macon is giving one of the guards a difficult time. Macon is drunk.

Macon: loud I am waiting for you Ian! You told me to go back to the

beginning, so I have. This is where I am, and this is where I'll stay.

I will not be moved.

Brute: angry Ho there!

Macon: stumbling I do not budge. Keep your ho there.

Brute: But the prince gave orders!

Macon jumps up and pulls his gun.. The guard is taken

back.

Macon: I know you Ian...when the job went wrong you went back to the

beginning...And this is where we got the job, so it's the beginning.

And I am staying 'till Ian comes.

Brute: calls out behind Macon You! Brute, come here!

Macon: mumbling to himself I...am...waiting...for...Ian. Just then,

a hand grabs him from behind

Charlie: You surely are a meany.

Macon looks up, and sees that it's Charlie

Charlie: Hello.

Macon: It's you!

The brute jumps in to see what's going on, but Charlie knocks him out with one

punch

Charlie: You don't look so good...You don't smell so good either.

Macon: Perhaps no. I feel fine... Charlie lets go of Macon, who falls on his

face

Narrator: Charlie and Macon were reunited, and as Charlie nursed his inebriated

friend back to health, he told Macon of Ian's death and the

existence of Count Zuko, the six-fingered man. Considering Macon's

life-long search, he handled the news surprisingly well. Macon falls

face first into a bowl of soup. Charlie took great care in reviving

Macon. by repeatedly soaking his head in and out of hot and cold

barrels of water

Macon: more sober That's enough! That's enough! Where is this Zuko now, so

I might kill him?

Charlie: He's with the prince in the penthouse. But the penthouse entrance is guarded by

thirty men.

Macon: How many could you handle?

Charlie: I don't think more than ten.

Macon: counting on his fingers ...Leaving twenty for me. At my best I could

never defeat that many. I need Ian to plan. I have no gift for

strategy.

Charlie: But Ian is dead.

Macon: inspired No...not Ian. I need the Man in Armani.

Charlie: What?

Macon: Look, he bested you at strength, your greatness. He bested me with

steel. He must have out-thought Ian, and a man who can do that can

plan my penthouse onslaught any day! Let's go!

Charlie: Where?

Macon: ...Find the Man in Armani obviously.

Charlie: But you don't know where he is?

Macon: Don't bother me with trifles, after twenty years at last my father's

soul will be at peace. There will be blood tonight!

Scene 12

The scene moves back to Victoria, sharpening a dagger in her chambers.

Geiger arrives.

Victoria: Rise and report!

Geiger: The Thieves' Building is emptied. Thirty men guard the penthouse door.

Victoria: Double it! My King Prince must be safe.

Geiger: The door has but one key, and I carry that.

Benny arrives

Victoria: Ah, my dulcet darling! Tonight, we marry. turns to Geiger

Tomorrow morning your men will escort us to Canada Channel, where every

plane in my armada waits to accompany us on our honeymoon.

Benny: disturbed Every plane but your four fastest, you mean.

Victoria looks confused. Every plane but the four you sent.

Victoria: recovering badly Yes. Yes of course. Naturally not those four.

Geiger: feeling tension, he exits Your majesty.

Benny: You never sent the planes.

Doesn't matter, Ray will come for me anyway.

Victoria: You're a silly boy.

Benny: Yes I am a silly boy, for not having seen sooner that you were

nothing but a bitch with a heart full of fear.

Victoria: outraged I would not say such things if I were you.

Benny: Why not? You can't hurt me. Ray and I are joined by the bonds

of love, and you cannot track that; not with a thousand bloodhounds.

And you cannot break it, not with a thousand swords. And when I say

you're a coward, it is only because you are the slimiest weakling ever

to crawl the Earth.

Victoria: furious I would not say such things if I were you! She

forcefully escorts Benny to his chamber

Victoria exits the penthouse and enters the Pit of Despair

Victoria: To Ray You truly love each other, and so you might have

been truly happy. Not one couple in a century has that chance, no matter

what the storybooks say. And so I think no man in a century will suffer

as greatly as you will. Victoria sets the machine to the maximum of

50.

Count Zuko: screaming Not to fifty!

Ray screams out in pain. The entire kingdom can hear his cries. Macon and

Charlie hear the echoing noise from afar

Macon: Charlie! Charlie! Listen. Do you hear? That is the sound of ultimate

suffering. My heart made that sound when Zuko slaughtered my father.

The Man in Armani makes it now.

Charlie: The Man in Armani?

Macon: His true love is marrying another tonight. So who else has the cause for

ultimate suffering? Macon and Charlie push their way through a mass of

people Excuse me. Pardon me, it's important. They struggle to move

even a few feet Charlie, please?

Charlie: in a bellowing voice EVERYBODY, MOVE"!

Macon: Thank You. The whole crowd clears out, leaving a perfect path for the

two.

Macon and Charlie trace the screams to the tree grove where they find Carver

working a cart

Macon: to Carver Where is the Man in Armani? You get that from this

grove, yes? No response Charlie, jog his memory.

Charlie hits the Carver on the top of his head, who falls over from the blow

Charlie: I'm sorry Macon. I didn't mean to jog him so hard. Macon?

Macon, not giving up, kneels on one leg, holding his gun high. He speaks:

Macon: Father, I have failed you for twenty years. Now our misery can end.

Somewhere, somewhere close by is a man who can help us. I can not find

him alone. I need you. I need you to guide me, please. Guide me.

Macon stands, eyes closed, and walks into a nearby

tree. Macon thinks he has failed. He leans against the tree, and the secret

entrance is revealed. Charlie and Macon enter the Pit of Despair, where they find

Ray.

Charlie: putting his ear to Ray's chest He's dead.

Macon: This sucks.

Kid: jumping in, upset Unc! Unc! Wait, wait. What did Charlie mean,

'He's Dead.? I mean, he didn't mean 'dead? Ray is only faking,

right?

Uncle: Do you want me to read this or not?

Kid: Who gets Victoria!

Uncle: I don't understand?

Kid: annoyed Who kills Princess Victoria? At the end, someone's got to do

it! Is it Macon? Who!

Uncle: Nobody. Nobody kills her. She lives.

Kid: You mean she wins? Jesus, Unc! What did you read me this thing for?

Uncle: You know, you...you've been very sick and you're taking this story

very seriously. I think we'd better stop now.

Kid: No. I...I'm okay. I'm okay. Sit down. I'm alright.

Uncle: Okay. Alright, now lets see...where were we? Oh, yes, in the Pit

of Despair.

Macon: The Lacroix's have never taken defeat easily. Come Charlie, bring the

body.

Charlie: The body?

Macon: Have you any money?

Charlie: I have a little.

Macon: I just hope it's enough to buy a miracle, that's all.

Scene 13

Macon and Charlie arrive with Ray's body in front of a small wooden house.

Macon knocks on the door

Voice: from inside, irritated Go away...

Macon knocks harder until a very tall blonde man answers. He looks through a hole cut

in the door

Turnbull: tall man What! What!

Macon: Are you the Miracle Turnbull who worked for the king all those years?

Turnbull: The king's stinking daughter fired me. And thank you so much for bringing up

such a painful subject. While you're at it, why don't you give me a

nice paper cut, and pour lemon juice on it. We're closed! Turnbull closes

a flap over the door hole, but Macon still knocks Beat it or I'll call

the brute squad!

Charlie: I'm on the brute squad.

Turnbull: You are the brute squad!

Macon: We need a miracle. It's very important.

Turnbull: Look, I'm retired. Besides, why would you want someone the king's stinking

daughter fired. I might kill whoever you want to make the miracle.

Macon: He's already dead.

Max: He is, eh? I'll have a look. Bring him in. They enter. Turnbull examines

Ray. I've seen worse.

Macon: Sir...Sir.

Turnbull: Huh?

Macon: We're in a hurry.

Turnbull: Don't rush me sonny. You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles. You

got money?

Macon: Sixty-five.

Turnbull: Sheesh! I never worked for so little; except once and that was a very

noble cause.

Macon: This is noble sir. His wife is...crippled...children on the brink of

starvation...

Turnbull: Are you a rotten liar.

Macon: I need him to help avenge my father, murdered this twenty years.

Turnbull: Your first story was better. Where's that bellows cramp. He probably owes

you money, huh. Well, I'll ask him.

Macon: He's dead. He can't talk.

Turnbull: Ooooohhh! Look who knows so much, eh! It just so happens that your

friend here is only mostly dead. There's a big difference between

mostly dead and all dead. Please open his mouth. He inserts the

bellows Now, mostly dead is slightly alive. Now, all dead...well, with

all dead, there's usually only one thing that you can do.

Macon: What's that?

Turnbull: Go through his clothes and look for loose change. Turnbull pumps air into

Ray and yells at him Hey! Hello in there! Hey! What's so

important? Whatcha got here, that's worth living for? Turnbull pushes on

Ray's chest

Ray: barely audible True...love...

Macon: excited True love! You heard him! You could not ask for a more

noble cause than that.

Turnbull: Sonny, true love is the greatest thing in the world; except for a nice

CBLT - Canadian Bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich - when the Canadian Bacon

is nice and lean, and the tomato's ripe. They're so perky. I love that. But

that's not what he said! He distinctly said, 'to blaithe.' And as we

all know, to blaithe means to bluff. So, you were probably playing cards

and he cheated...

Woman: interrupting Liar! Liar! Liarrrrrrr!

Turnbull: Get back, dragon!

Woman: I'm not a dragon, I'm your wife. But after what you just said, I'm

not even sure I want to be that anymore.

Margaret: Turnbull's wife True love, who said true love, Turnbull?

Turnbull: Don't say another word, Margaret...Macon looks on in disbelief

Margaret: You're afraid. Ever since Princess Victoria fired him, his

confidence has shattered.

Turnbull: yelling Why'd you say that name! You promised me that you would never

say that name!

Margaret: What, Victoria!

Turnbull: cringes Ahh!

Margaret: Victoria!

Turnbull: Ahh!

Margaret is chasing Turnbull around the room yelling. Turnbull is covering his ears

Margaret: Victoria!

Turnbull: Ahh!

Margaret: Victoria!

Turnbull: Ahh!

Margaret: now in a sing-songy voice Victoria... Victoria!

Victoria! Victoria! Victoria!

Turnbull: I'm not listening!

Margaret: True love, life expiring and you don't have the decency to say why you

won't help!

Turnbull: Nobody's hearing nothing!

Margaret: Victoria! She continues to yell 'Victoria'

Macon: interrupting This is Benny's true love. If you heal him, he will

stop Victoria's wedding!

Turnbull: to Margaret Shut up!

Macon: Thank you. Thank you.

Turnbull: Wait, wait. I make him better, Victoria suffers?

Macon: Humiliations galore!

Turnbull: Ha ha! That is a noble cause! Give me the sixty-five! I'm on the job!

Turnbull, with help from Margaret concocts a pill for Ray.

Macon: That's a miracle pill?

Margaret: The chocolate coating makes it go down easier. But, you have to wait

fifteen minutes before potency. And, he shouldn't go in swimming after

for at least...

Turnbull: jumping in An hour!

Margaret: An hour.

Turnbull: ...A good hour...Here. gives Macon the pill

Macon: leaving Thank you for everything.

Turnbull: Okay! Macon and Charlie leave

Margaret: Bye bye, boys!

Turnbull: Have fun storming the penthouse!

Margaret: to Turnbull Think it will work?

Turnbull: It would take a miracle.

Turnbull and Margaret: waving B-bye!

Scene 14

It's dusk. Macon and Charlie are on a wall just outside the penthouse, looking down at the

main door.

Charlie: Macon, there's more than thirty!

Macon: propping up Ray What's the difference? We've got him! Help me

here. We have to force-feed him.

Charlie: Has it been fifteen minutes?

Macon: We can't wait. The wedding is in half an hour. We must strike in the

hustle and the bustle before hand. Tilt his head back. Open his mouth.

Macon puts the pill into Ray's mouth

Charlie: How long do we have to wait before we know if the miracle works?

Macon: Your guess is as good as mine.

Ray: disoriented I'll beat you both apart! I'll take you both together!

Charlie: I guess not very long.

Ray: Why won't my arms move?

Charlie: You've been mostly dead all day.

Macon: We had Miracle Turnbull make a pill to bring you back.

Ray: Who are you? Are we enemies? Why am I on this wall? Where's

Benny?

Macon: Let me explain...no, there is too much. Let me sum up; Benny is

marrying Victoria in little less than half an hour. So all we have

to do is get in, break up the wedding, steal the prince, make our

escape - after I kill Count Zuko.

Ray: That doesn't leave much for dilly-dally.

Charlie: You just wiggled your finger! That's wonderful!

Ray: I've always been a quick healer. What are our liabilities?

Macon: There is only one the penthouse door , and it is guarded by sixty men.

Ray: And our assets?

Macon: Your brains, Charlie's strength, my steel.

Ray: That's it? Impossible. If I had a month to plan maybe I could come

up with something. But this...

Charlie: You just shook your head! That doesn't make you happy?

Ray: My brains, his steel and your strength against sixty men and you think

a little head jiggle is supposed to make me happy? Hmm? I mean if we

only had a cart, that would be something.

Macon: Where did we put that cart Carver had?

Charlie: Over Carver , I think?

Ray: Why didn't you list that among our assets in the first place! sigh

What I wouldn't give for a black cloak...

Macon: There we cannot help you.

Charlie: pulls a black cloak from under his shirt Would this do?

Macon: Where did you get that?

Charlie: At Miracle Turnbull's,

Ray: Come help me up. They help him up Now I'll need

a gun eventually.

Macon: Why? You can't even lift one.

Ray: True, but that's hardly common knowledge, is it? Thank you. Macon

gives him a gun. Now, there may be problems once we're inside.

Macon: I'll say. How do I find the Count?. Once I do, how do I find you again?.

Once I find you again, how do I escape?.

Charlie: Don't pester him, he's had a hard day.

Macon: Right, right...sorry.

Charlie: Macon?

Macon: What?

Charlie: I hope we win.

Inside the penthouse

Victoria: You don't seem excited my little muffin.

Benny: Should I be?

Victoria: Grooms often are, I'm told.

Benny: I will not marry tonight. My Ray will save me. Benny

leaves

Scene 15

In the chapel: Music blares. Victoria and Benny stand before a

clergyman. The clergyman Frobisher has a speech impediment.

Clergyman: Mawwiage. Mawwiage is what bwings us togethaw today. Mawwiage,

that bwessed awwangement, that dweam within a dweam...

From outside, the voice of Geiger is heard

Geiger: Stand your ground, men! Stand your ground! Stand your ground!

Charlie is dressed in the black cloak, and being pushed from behind in a wheelbarrow. He now looks enormous and fearsome!

Charlie: I am the Dread Godfather Bolt! There will be no survivors!

Macon: Now?

Ray: Not yet.

Charlie: My men are here! I am here! ... but soon you will not be here!

Macon: barely holding up Charlie Now!

Ray: Light him! They light Charlie's robe with a torch

Charlie: The Dread Godfather Bolt takes no survivors! All your worst nightmares

have but to come true!

Most of the door guards scatter in all directions

Clergyman: Then wove, twue wove, will follow you fowever...

Outside

Charlie: The Dread Godfather Bolt is here for your soul! Geiger yells for the

guards to fight. The rest run.

Clergyman: So tweasure youw...

Victoria: interrupting Skip to the end!

Clergyman: Have you the wing?

Benny: Here comes my Ray now.

Charlie has removed the robe and all the guards except Geiger have fled.

Ray: Charlie, the door! Charlie opens the door .

Victoria: Your Ray is dead. I killed him myself.

Benny: Then why is there fear behind your eyes?.

Ray: to Geiger Give us the door key.

Geiger: I have no door key.

Macon: Charlie, tear his arms off.

Geiger: Oh, you mean this door key. Geiger hands over the key

Clergyman: Do you King Prince Benton...

Victoria: annoyed Wife and man! Say wife and man!

Clergyman: Wife and man.

Victoria: Escort the groom to the honeymoon suite. I'll be there shortly.

Benny: He didn't come...

Charlie, Macon and Ray are in the penthouse. Charlie is holding up Ray.

Macon, leading the way, meets with Count Zuko and four of his guards.

Count Zuko: Kill the Ex G-man and the boxer but leave the third for

questioning.

The guards try to rush by Macon, but are no match for his gun. Macon shoots all four. Only Count Zuko remains.

Macon: Hello, my name is Macon Lacroix. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

Just as Macon and the Count prepare to duel, the Count turns around and runs

away. Macon chases after Count Zuko, who locks one of the doors behind him.

Macon is not strong enough to break through

Macon: Charlie! I need you!

Charlie: I can't leave him Ray alone!

Macon: He's getting away from me Charlie! Please! Charlie!

Charlie: to Ray I'll be right back. Charlie goes and knocks the door

down easily

Macon: Thank you.

Count Zuko eventually runs into a dead end. Macon is still giving chase.

Narrator: Zuko turns to face Macon, Macon raises his gun takes aim and shoots. Nothing. Nada. Zilch.

Zuko expecting to be dead or at least shot is surprised. He looks at Macon he is staring at the gun.

Macon: ...sorry Father...I'm so sorry.

Narrator: Zuko takes a good look at Macon.

Zuko: with an evil smirk You're the brat whose father I killed years ago. I've heard rumors that you were hunting me only to have failed. How wonderfully cruel.

Macon: I'm so sorry father.

Narrator: Zuko begins to laugh. Macon raises his head and looks at Zuko.

Macon: Father I'm so sorry it could not be your gun. he pulls another gun from his coat and shoots Zuko in the left leg.

Zuko: on the floor clutching his leg. Stop this, this is stupid. I''m a powerful man I can give you anything you desire.

Macon: shoot the right leg. Offer me money.

Zuko: Yes, how much do you want?

Macon:shoot the left arm. Offer me power.

Zuko: Yes how much will you need?

Macon:shoot the right arm. Offer me everything that I ask for.

Zuko: Just tell me what you want.

Macon: I WANT MY FATHER YOU STUPID FUCK! Can you guess where I'm going to shoot next?

Zuko: My head, right?

Macon: WRONG! Your heart. My heart stopped beating the day you murdered my father. Today yours will too.

Narrator: Macon avenged his father.

Macon runs off to look for Charlie

In the Honeymoon suite, Benny is preparing to kill himself with a knife.

Unbeknownst to him, Ray lies on his bed.

Ray: There's a shortage of perfect chests in this world. It would be a

pity to damage yours.

Benny: Ray! Oh, Ray darling! he kisses him all over Ray,

why won't you hold me?

Ray: Gently... Ray has almost no strength

Benny: At a time like this, that is all you can think to say? Gently.

Ray: Gently... Benny accidentally bangs Ray's head on the

head-board of the bed

Benny: Oh, Ray, will you ever forgive me?

Ray: What hideous sin have you committed lately?

Benny: I got married. I didn't want to. It all happened so fast.

Ray: It never happened.

Benny: What?

Ray: It never happened.

Benny: But it did! I was there...this old man said 'man and wife'.

Ray: Did you say I do?

Benny: Uh...no. We sort of skipped that part.

Ray: Then you're not married. You didn't say it. You didn't do it.

Wouldn't you agree, your Highness?

Victoria: A technicality that will shortly be remedied...but first things

first.. She draws her gun To the death!

Ray: slowly sitting up No! To the pain!

Victoria: I don't think I'm quite familiar with that phrase?

Ray: I'll explain, and I'll use small words so that you'll be sure to

understand. You stupid ugly fat cow!

Victoria: insulted That may be the first time in my life a man has dared

insult me.

Ray: It won't be the last. To the pain means the first thing you lose will

be your feet below the ankles, then your hands at your wrists.

Next, your nose.

Victoria: Then my tongue, I suppose? I killed you too quickly the last

time, a mistake I don't mean to duplicate tonight.

Ray: I wasn't finished! The next thing you lose will be your left eye

followed by your right!

Victoria: And then my ears...I understand! Let's get on with it!

Ray: Wrong! Your ears you keep, and I'll tell you why; so that every

shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness is yours to cherish.

Every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman that cries out,

'dear god what is that thing!' will echo in your perfect ears. That is

what to the pain means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in

freakish misery forever.

Victoria: I think you're bluffing.

Ray: It's possible, bitch. I might be bluffing. It's conceivable you

miserable vomitous mass, I'm only lying here because I lack the strength

to stand. Then again, perhaps I have the strength to stand after all.

Slowly, Ray stands, his gun pointed at Victoria's chest

Drop... your... gun.

Victoria throws her gun to the ground

Ray: Now have a seat. Tie her up. Make it as tight as you like.

Benny ties up Victoria

Victoria: Ouch.

Just then, Macon comes in

Macon: Where's Charlie?

Ray: I thought he was with you? In that case...Ray starts to move

then almost falls over

Macon: to Benny Help him.

Benny: Why does Ray need helping?

Macon: Because he has no strength.

Victoria: I knew it! I knew you were bluffing! Macon points his gun at

him I knew he was...bluffing.

Macon: Shall I dispatch him for you?

Ray: Thank you, but no. Whatever happens to us, I want her to live a long

life, alone with her cowardice.

Charlie: from outside the window Macon! Macon! Where are you? Macon runs

to the window Oh...there you are. Macon, I saw the Princess's stable,

and there they were four white horses. And I thought there are four of

us, if we ever find the Mountie. Benny and Ray run to the window

to see Charlie on a horse Hello Mountie ! ...So I took them with me in case

we ever bumped into each other. But I guess we just did.

Macon: Charlie, you did something right.

Charlie: Don't worry, I won't let it go to my head.

Benny jumps out of the window and is caught by Charlie

Macon: You know, it's very strange. I have been in the revenge business so

long, now that it's over I don't know what to do with the rest of my

life.

Ray: Have you ever considered beingIn the Mafia? You'd make a wonderful Dread Godfather

Bolt. Both leave

Narrator: They rode to freedom. As dawn arose, Ray and Benny knew they

were safe. A wave of love swept over them. And as they reached for

each other...

Kid: What! What!

Uncle: Naah, it's kissing again. You don't want to hear that.

Kid: Well...I don't mind so much.

Uncle: Okay.

Narrator: Since the invention of the kiss, there had been five kisses, their first one being top first in the top five, rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all

behind.

THE END.

Uncle: Now, I think you ought to go to sleep.

Kid: Okay...

Uncle: searching his pockets, making sure he forgot nothing Okay...

okay... okay...alright...Arrevaderci

Kid: Unc. Maybe you could come over and read it again to me tomorrow.

Uncle: As you wish.


End file.
